|
Helpful
Camping Tips
By
Bruce Cochran; from the Sept. 1996 issue of Backpacker
Back
- When using a public campground, a tuba placed on your picnic table will keep
the campsites on either side vacant.
-
Get even with a bear who
raided your food bag by kicking his favorite stump apart and eating all the
ants.
- Old socks can be made into high fiber beef jerky by smoking them over an open
fire.
- When smoking a fish, never inhale.
- A
hot rock placed in your sleeping bag will keep your feet warm. A hot enchilada
works almost as well, but the cheese sticks between your toes.
- You'll never be awakened by the call of a loon if you have an unlisted number.
- The best backpacks are named for national parks or mountain ranges. Steer
clear of those named for landfills.
- Acupuncture was invented by a camper who found a porcupine in his sleeping
bag.
- While the Swiss Army Knife has been popular for years, the Swiss Navy Knife
has remained largely unheralded. Its single blade functions as a tiny canoe
paddle.
- Effective January 1, 1997, you will actually have to enlist in the Swiss Army
to get a Swiss Army Knife.
- Modern rain suits made of fabrics that "breathe" enable campers to stay dry in
a downpour. Rain suits that sneeze, cough, and belch, however, have been
proven to add absolutely nothing to the wilderness experience.
- Lint from your navel makes a handy fire starter. Warning: Remove lint from
navel before applying the match.
- You'll never be lost if you remember that moss always grows on the north side
of your compass.
- You can duplicate the warmth of a down-filled bedroll by climbing into a
plastic garbage bag with several geese.
- The canoe paddle, a simple device used to propel a boat, should never be
confused with a gnu paddle, a similar device used by Tibetan veterinarians.
- When camping, always wear a long-sleeved shirt. It gives you something to wipe
your nose on.
- You can compress the diameter of your rolled up sleeping bag by running over
it with your car.
- Take this simple test to see if you qualify for solo camping. Shine a
flashlight into one ear. If the beam shines out the other ear, do not go into
the woods alone.
- A
two-man pup tent does not include two men or a pup.
- A
potato baked in the coals for one hour makes an excellent side dish. A potato
baked in the coals for three hours makes an excellent hockey puck.
- You can start a fire without matches by eating Mexican food, then breathing on
a pile of dry sticks.
- In
emergency situations, you can survive in the wilderness by shooting small game
with a slingshot made from the elastic waistband of your underwear.
- The guitar of the noisy teenager at the next campsite makes excellent
kindling.
- A
large carp can be used for a pillow. Check the washing instructions before
purchasing any apparel to be worn camping. Buy only those that read "Beat on a
rock in stream."
- The sight of a bald eagle has thrilled campers for generations. The sight of a
bald man, however, does absolutely nothing for the eagle.
- It's entirely possible to spend your whole vacation on a winding mountain road
behind a large motor home.
- Bear bells provide an element of safety for hikers in grizzly country. The
tricky part is getting them on the bears.
- A
great deal of hostility can be released by using newspaper photos of
politicians for toilet paper.
- In
an emergency, a drawstring from a parka hood can be used to strangle a snoring
tent mate.
Back
|
